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I am highly recommending this book by Staci Haines to anyone who is a survivor, and anyone who knows and loves one. The more knowledge on this, the more dissolution of ignorance around this very prominent epidemic. Pass it on, ya'll! xxoo
Sarah
From sexual trauma to healing sex
Author Staci Haines opens up to Violet Blue about sexual healing after incest, rape or abuse
Traditionally, when it comes to sex-positive education and the work to end sexual abuse, I've seen an unfortunate split in ideology — as with abuse itself, which tends to split individuals and families from the inside. All too often, I've observed the sex-positive movement not wanting to engage with the misuse of sex and violence or coercion, and instead concentrating on pleasure, desire, education and sexual empowerment. This makes perfect sense when larger cultural influences such as mainstream media and the U.S. Department of Justice continually seek to erroneously connect things like rape and porn viewership, or sexual trauma and the choice to become a sex worker. On the other hand, the sexual assault survival movement has historically either ignored sexual pleasure or even adult sexuality, or focused exclusively on the abuses. It's tough to acknowledge both these two things — sexual trauma and a joyful sex life — without triggering accusations or hysteria, even knowing that sex-positivity and healing from assault are not mutually exclusive.
To this end, Staci Haines' new book, as with her extensive work at Bay Area survivor resource Generation Five (which seeks to end the cycles of abuse within five generations with a sex-positive, somatic — mind/body — methodology), is a revolution. Haines provides a refreshing all-gender, all-orientations approach to healing from sexual trauma, explaining concretely the steps while encompassing a wide variety of traumas, and stresses the importance of including pleasurable sex and intimacy as an essential part of the healing process. I read the book and cannot recommend it highly enough for everyone who has survived, or has known a survivor, which is pretty much all of us.
I was lucky to get some of Haines' time for an interview; it's long, but I think you'll find my difficult questions and her incredible answers well worth your time.
Violet Blue: "Healing Sex" is a sex guide for survivors of sexual trauma. How do you define sexual trauma for readers?
Staci Haines: We can think of trauma as life experiences that leave us with an impact we cannot control: reactions that we don't want, but keep happening again and again. Such as feeling hyper-vigilant, numb, unable to say "No" or "Yes" fully, steady anxiety or depression, sexual aversion, only finding one's worth through sex, not being able to connect sex and intimacy, and negative physical and emotional reactions to intimacy or sex.
Experiences that can cause sexual trauma include: non-consensual sexual contact (incest, rape, sexual molestation, etc.) and "not quite" consensual sexual contact — this is how many people experience sexual trauma because the natural survival mechanisms of dissociation, denial and minimization kick in so quickly that people shift into "living through" the experience and then trying to forget about it or push it away in some way. Date rape, incest and molestation, being "flashed," consistent shaming about your sexuality or your body by parents, your religion, homophobia, sexism — all of this impacts our sexualities, and we can consider as sexual trauma.
VB: Why is rediscovering sexual pleasure important for survivors?
SH: Sex is a normal and healthy part of being human. Having good sex — where you feel pleasure, intimacy, intensity and longing — is one of the most powerful experiences anyone can have. Not having that can be as detrimental as sex can be powerful. Oftentimes, people who have been abused avoid sex so it doesn't bring up feelings about the abuse. To heal, they have to go toward, and eventually through whatever triggers memories of the abuse — that's where freedom is.
VB: is it possible for someone to have abuse in their past and only realize it later, as an adult?
SH: Yes, yes, yes. This is the experience for many, many people. Because of our automatic survival reactions to trauma, many people will not realize that they have been harmed or the extent of the impact of the trauma until later in life. With sexual abuse this realization can happen in a loving relationship (enough safety to start feeling the hurt) or with the birth of a child (the body has to open), or the death of an abuser. Or just developing enough maturity to be able to handle dealing with it. Also, people can be numb to the impact, saying, "Yeah that happened to me, but it was no big deal." Folks can show no emotional effect to how they were hurt when they are still disconnected from the pain (dissociated).
When the emotions are overwhelming there are mechanisms that can cause traumatic amnesia: People will not remember the trauma. This can be very confusing for people. They struggle with symptoms of trauma, but don't know why.
VB: What happens when someone who has survived sexual abuse or trauma experiences sex? What happens when someone is triggered?
SH: There are many ways that people who have experienced sexual trauma negotiate sex, intimacy and trust: we are trying to negotiate safety and connection. What is very difficult about sexual trauma is that it tends to put these two needs at odds with one another, as in, "I can be connected and not safe, or safe and disconnected." Initially, some survivors have an aversion to sex altogether, avoiding it to avoid the pain there. While others can look for nonsexual needs to be met through sex, having sex with more people than they actually want to, or in ways they don't want.
Anything can be a trigger for survivors, depending on their sexual trauma — sexual positions or acts, smells or something a lover says. When you are triggered, the past rushes into the present and the person can't tell the difference between the two. For instance, they won't know the difference between their lover and their perpetrator.
After sexual trauma, many people continue to experience upsetting and traumatic reactions to sex, closeness, intimacy and even their own desire. Positive experiences of closeness or intimacy can leave one feeling ashamed, protective or angry. Many people can understand intellectually what happened to them, but put them in a stressful situation like having sex, and their bodies continue to respond as they did during the abuse. A survivor might be making love with someone she cares about deeply and suddenly freeze, or become angry and start reacting to the lover as if that person were the perpetrator of long ago. That's why somatic therapy is so powerful for recovery. Survivors learn to thaw out the trauma that is stored in their body. They learn to relax and experience physical pleasure, sexual pleasure.
VB: What signs (of having a negative experience) should sex partners of survivors look for during sex, and what's the best thing a partner can do?
SH: Partners and lovers are often the first to know or notice that the person they love is deeply struggling with something. They may notice the symptoms of sexual abuse or struggle with how these symptoms are impacting their relationship. Because sexual abuse deeply impacts a survivor's trust, intimacy and sexuality, often partners are the folks who live most closely to the results of child sexual abuse or adult rape. Your love, care and presence are vital, and getting support outside of the relationship is also important. Healing from child sexual abuse or rape is an experience that needs a whole crowd of support to help hold it and heal it.
It's not easy being the partner of a survivor who is in the throes of healing. The major mistake I see partners make is that they try to become rescuers and martyrs: "I'll help you, even if I have to deny myself." At first, this seems noble, but it doesn't work for either lover over time. No one can "save" anyone else from the emotions or pain of sexual abuse. The best ally a partner can be is one who supports the survivor in healing, going into and through the pain of sexual abuse.
It is important as a partner to stay connected to your own boundaries, needs and joys. While these needs may not get met all of the time, denying them tends to backfire. I have seen partners edit themselves out of the relationship because they are trying not to do or say anything that will have their beloved feel pain, their history, or feel afraid. Sadly, all of these feelings are inescapable in the process of healing. Remaining as honest, sensitive and authentic as you can, while expressing your own boundaries, needs and desires. I urge partners working with healing from sexual abuse to engage others in this process for support and community.
But those who hang in there usually find that the process is a major growth experience, with a wonderful deepening of love and intimacy, and in the end, a better relationship with much better sex.
VB: Your book is also a full-fledged sex guide, with sex techniques, advice on sex toys and more. How did you tailor this for survivors?
SH: I do really feel that education and information is power. Many survivors of (particularly) child sexual abuse, and even adult experiences of sexual trauma, learn about sex through abuse. This is not a source of empowering information. The culture at large also mostly offers us skewed information about sex. Either the objectified version in mainstream media of how we are supposed to look and act sexually, or the often shame-based education that one might get through religious education. Otherwise, most people learn about sex through their peers, who are often similarly uninformed people. There are very few people who have received a sex-positive, thorough education in human sexuality. I encourage people to discover what it is that they may like, to explore based on their own needs and desires and to self-define their sexuality — rather than having sexual trauma define it for them.
VB: You say that "survival is a powerful act." What does that mean?
SH: Sexual trauma is a deep physical, emotional, mental and spiritual betrayal. On a deep level, it has us question the inherent goodness of both ourselves and others. Because there is little social support for sexual trauma survivors to heal, or for perpetrators to be accountable — and also heal — survival and making the choice to heal is often an intensely personal, courageous act. To enter healing after sexual trauma, one has to be willing to feel emotions and walk through pain that most people avoid. Grief, rage, loss of innocence, isolation and loneliness, shame and guilt are all in the emotional landscape after trauma. One has to risk being trusting again — not as a good idea, but as a real act of vulnerability. A survivor has to re-learn skills that trauma destroys, like recognizing what they need, allowing a full range of sensations and emotions, boundaries, consent — the ability to say yes, no and maybe — and combining intimacy with sex.
I find survivors of sexual trauma, of trauma, really, who are engaged in healing some of the most courageous people I know.
VB: What advice can you give fellow survivors whose families are split into camps about the abuse?
SH: This is sadly a typical response from families in which there has been sexual abuse. Again, through denial, people are basically trying to protect themselves from something that feels unbearable. But denial also can destroy the possibility for a relationship and healing, and it avoids placing accountability where it belongs: with the person who offended.
The statistics of people who have experienced sexual abuse, from incest to adult rape, are shocking. One in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday. These statistics cross class and cultural differences; there is not one group who sexually abuses while others do not. Most sexually abused children know their perpetrator (60-80 percent). Denying sexual abuse and its impact on individuals is a typical response to trauma. A common response is, "If I can't stand that it happens, I will pretend it doesn't." By doing this, however, people perpetuate the silence and non-accountability that lets sexual abuse go unchecked. When we begin to have real conversations with each other about our experiences of abuse — the statistics come to life. All of us know someone who has been sexually abused; without necessarily realizing it, most of us know someone who has sexually abused another.
If you are in a family that has split into camps, you first have to ask yourself — what is it that you want? How much energy and time are you willing to put behind that vision? And how much hurt are you willing to withstand? It is important to answer these questions with the help of others because survivors often have a very high tolerance for pain or mistreatment. The next step is to find allies who will hold this vision with you and walk the road together. There is no need to do any of this alone anymore. The hard thing to face is that family may or may not go along the road of healing with you. In this, there is another level of loss and grief. When people do decide to come along, to face their own pain and the impact of what happened, very rich and healing relationships can be forged.
Readers can contact Generation Five at www.generationfive.org orin
The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse
by Staci HainesSarah~
Want the change. Be inspired by the flame...
—Rilke
1 comment:
Sarah, this is wonderful and reminds me of something you would write or publish. You have a real intuitive blessing. Thank you for exposing your travels and mind heart journies and for all you do, One Love.
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