Tuesday, April 1, 2008
When You Are Still Struggling
I want to be a realistic voice for anyone still struggling. I think no matter how far along you get in therapy or healing, there will always be days when you just struggle. This is part of life. I think too many times we think of 'healing' as 'curing' or erasing damage. That is not possible. We all have issues, whether we have abuse in our past or not. Life, to me, is a series of steps in a grand process.
For instance, lately, I have struggled with feeling a gaping sadness. I, in cutting off my family of origin, am still grieving that loss. I did not realize that although I did the very best thing for me, took the healthiest step I could take, it still hurts. I still FEEL the pain and loss. Just because it is the right decision, that does not mean it is easy. My husband says sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. I repressed many feelings about my aunt and uncle for instance. The truth is that I wish so much that they would have defended me when they found of what my father had done. I wish my uncle had stood up for me in the now. But that's not what he did. And I don't do the whole still-associating-with-my-abuser-thing, on any level. I've been journeying about this a lot, and I have to say, I am feeling better and better as I let the lid loosen over my emotions about it.
So when I met my husband, I knew the answer for me in my life was to create my own damn family. He comes from a huge close knit family. That's what we did. We are still creating extended family of choice. Friends who are true family. I'm not saying everyone should have a baby at 22. BUT for me, it was the path. Having children and learning to trust my husband is the greatest gift. I encourage you to learn to trust a partner. Do not live with one foot out of the proverbial door, waiting for that other shoe to drop. Investigate why you do that and heal it. It feels so amazing to let that go and be intimately attached. True, no one can save you but yourself, BUT I also say people are mirrors and can reflect of true divinity and potential to us. Many survivors suffer from an on my own mentality. makes sense, but not what I believe we all truly need. Take that risk, the risk it takes to blossom. The truth is, we need others, we need love. We need to love. We need to trust. Take the risk, leap, and trust that the net will appear. I hope your net is strong, full of jewels, and very comfy!
To struggle is so hard. It's a dynamic thing so it does not last forever, and if it is for you, get to therapy, think about meds, do what you need to do to heal. Namaste.