Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Redefining SEX: Sexual Abuse is NOT Sex


Reclaim SEX. We were used for sex, through sex, by our abuser(s). In our lives now, we must discern the difference. Sex that we CHOOSE, sex that is honoring, loving, healthy and fun, that is our new definition of Sex. We have to redefine sex for us now. Abusers steal our blossoming. But it never goes away. It is eternal within us and therefore I believe we can access it when we heal.
Healthy sex is a respectful thing, if a lover is treating us with disrespect, only caring about their needs, or demeaning us through sexual acts we are not ok with, or only caring about their needs, pleasure, and wants, that is not "honoring" sex. (Now, I'm not saying sex is only for ecstatic Rumi reciting lovers. Please! I know what it's like to be a single girl. Have fun, but be safe. Trust me, orgasms are much better when your partner honors and respects you. Sex encompasses so much more than just orgasms however.) It's really about union. It's about sharing your precious life energy, your essence with another. You must choose wisely. You are not here to service anyone. If we have abuse history, we may even think the sex we get is great, fabulous, wonderful, and we settle for it because we do not know any better. We were objectified. No one who is sexually abusing you is seeing you as a human being, but rather as an object. they do not see your fear, pain, and suffering. I remember this in myself. A guy I thought I loved and our sex life-good grief. The things I put up with, never speaking up when it hurt, when he was doing it too hard, when I didn't want to have sex but did because he would get angry and accuse me of cheating. We go auto-pilot and regress into that abused child who truly can NOT say no to Daddy, Uncle Billy, whoever.

Guess what: Sometimes, NOT saying NO when Daddy is raping us is the smartest thing to do. We are primal, we are surviving. If we say no, he may kill us. We deserve a medal for this!!

After laying under my own father, unable to protect myself, swallowing the shame, the terror back into myself, how could I know later that I had a right to myself? How many women lay there, waiting to be pleased? Yet they say nothing, they may not know it is there right to say anything, day after day, in a kind of slave mentality. NEWSFLASH: SEX is for us too! Hello?! Sex is natural, it's fun, it's beautiful, and it is for us! We deserve a delicious experience, a succulent sexual life. Absolutely. Men need to open us emotionally more. A lot more. Men need a lot of work and healing. Women do so much work, we are always fixing ourselves, going to extremes to be attractive for men, and for ourselves because we are our own worst judge. So many of us have bought the bullshit, we have introjected the patriarchal, male-centered paradigm dictating what we should be to be 'feminine'. We fight each other to gain the attention of men. We are divided by the church within ourselves, we are divining ourselves through fighting over men.

Let's talk about religion a bit: The traditional religions of the world have stolen a woman's right to be sexual. The church says that we can not be both spiritual and sexaul, seperating sex from spirit. They are dissociating us! Don't buy into that. I'm not here to bash anyone, I am talking about the system, the church as an institution which has been used for thousands of years to control women because they are afraid of us. Sex is something we need to be careful with, absolutely. Using it in a nonharmful way. There are emotions to consider, and diseases. And pregnancies we may or may not want. But back to the church and society, there are all of these images and media and cultural things that say that women are here for men. I vehemently disagree. There are many great books about the roles of women throughout histroy, and how the church has given the Goddess a bad name, vilifying anything woman-centric. This trickles down into our bedrooms and relationships. (One book if you are intereted is : WHEN GOD WAS A WOMAN by Merlin Stone). Enough about the role of the church, that's a whole other book-length post!!

Even in the most loving of relationships, I know that we may feel like we have to go on through with sex when we don't want too. Quite frankly, many men get very upset when they feel they are being rejected. Another NEWSFLASH: Men do not have to be hyper sexual all the time to be men!! Again, we must redefine what being a man is about. In my relationship with my husband, not once has he ever in any way been upset, angry, or pouts if I am not in the mood. This confident reaction on his part is a big turn on! So giving one another the space to feel what you feel as you work on yourselves together creates space for sexual energy!! It does not threaten his masculinity. When I was experiencing many symptoms of flashbacks, panic, body tremors, and all the things that happened to be after I began truly facing the sexual abuse I experienced, he was amazing. I'll write more about this later, the actual things we did to nurture the process of healing my sexuality, or rather, rediscover that healthy, vibrant and sumptuous sexuality that was awaiting me inside myself. I realize I am lucky. At the same time I wan to stress that I made a conscious choice to be with him, and I stepped into another way of living. I went against the pattern, and I was consciously aware I was doing it. It scared the shit outta me! My unhealthy side was very upset. True intimacy scared the hell out of me. My sexual abuse manifested in me as a hyper sexual wild girl. I wanted to be as fantastic at sex as possible. (Like it's a sport! ha!) I wanted to give the best, most mind blowing blow jobs(again, pleasing the man), I wanted to be a sexually crazy and wild as possible. I had no boundaries around my body, or in my mind. I used drugs and then felt sexually powerful. ecstasy, Roofies, acid, mescaline, pills. I had no idea that real sexual power lies in a soulful place of true union with a partner, it is spiritual, it is completely uninhibited, and accessible without drugs. I could not look into the eyes of a person I was sexual with for long. I had to turn away and perform!! How many people have true intimacy? Can you look at your partner in the eyes and show yourself, your naked soul? A naked soul is more intimate than a naked body could ever be. Back to the sexual power I craved, that was the manifestation of my role models: my mother who was a promiscuous singer in a band with no boundaries, and a father who raped me. I was speaking through my actions. It was my language, of pain. There was a myriad of things to do to have sex and still not have intimacy. This manifested at my lowest point as taking painkillers and engaging in abusive sex, masochism. I would go into work with bruises all over me, like I was proud of them. It went on for awhile until something very bad happened to make me SEE what I was doing. (drugging myself for sex, just like my dad drugged me) I slept with people who were more than willing to engage in these kinds of sex. I'll go into it more in my book, but this is the way I began expressing my self contempt. only I did not know it was myself I held contempt for. I was unaware of my self disrespect. I just smoked 2 packs a day, took drugs, threw my sexuality around carelessly, and got myself into some very dangerous situations.

Healing is possible, I grew to look at myself and my sexuality as sacred and precious, and I yearned to rediscover my inner healthiness. Some of this was very sudden, as if a veil had been torn from my eyes. Some slower. I decided to be ready to accept my goodness. Be ready to accept your worth. Be ready to prove mama, daddy, uncle whoever wrong. rebel against what was instilled in you! Don't rebel by hurting yourself, that's what your family or abuser did. True rebellion is not doing the same that was done to do. Love yourself, that's where the true, empowered rebellion is!

I knew I had to make a conscious choice in a partner, and that's what I did. I removed everyone from my life that was unhealthy. Guess what? Most of them did not want me to choose Troy!! Of course!! My husband saw me as I could not yet see myself. He saw my healthy self, and he reflected to me through words, actions, and those beautiful silent gazes my inner sense of love for myself. There are men and women in the world who can be that mirror. We just have to decide what reflection we are looking for. If I can do it, if I did it, so can anyone. Blessings to all. Love, Sarah

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