Thursday, November 8, 2007
One of the ways I did this was through music and dance. One word: SADE!! Seriously, Sade is uber gorgeous and just oozes light and sensuality, her music is amazing. Cherish the Day played as I married my husband. Her lyrics are incredible, and the rhythm of her music drew me inside myself. She helped me work through that place I was stuck in...feeling sexual, wanting sex, but not being able to push through the wall of fear at times.
*I bought a very feminine and girly journal a few years ago, and began my sexuality cleansing and healing ritual. I wrote lyrics down, got really into essential oils, and learned to give myself permission to be a sexual as I wanted, within the circle of my marriage of course. My fear was always that if I really embraced my full sexuality that it would overpower me. Of course the wounded child within associates any sex with the sexual abuse. Therefore it makes sense to feel threatened by sex, feeling like you will be powerless and lose control. That is normal! But, we have to explain to the frightened child within us that the abuse was not sex, sexual abuse is not sex, not in the healthy sense of the word.
*Essential oils like ylang ylang, sandalwood and rose are good ones for this. candles, incense, beautiful crystals, soft sheets and bedding that is inviting. Create an atmosphere of healthy expression of yourself and your sensuality. I bought myself flowers, and I did a lot of dancing.
*Belly dancing, my kind of dancing, any dancing, just dancing.
*Connecting to the earth helps me as well, soft green grass, trees, rivers, butterflies.
*Running and yoga, I can not stress enough the essentialness of exercise, of sweating and getting in your body that way. Running is a passion of mine, but any type of good sweaty exercise will work. Yoga helps unblock areas of the body that hold pain, grief, fear, anger, rage, sadness, anxiety, you name it.
The healing has been amazing. As I have said, I have not had flashbacks during sex in a long time. I have plenty of other issues, PTSD, sleep issues, somatic stuff, you know. But this is an area where I can say I am completely healthy! Healthy is HEAL*THY after all. Heal Thy Self is Healthy Self.
*I've worked very hard at it and dispelled copious amounts of guilt and shame. It takes tremendous work. I think we absorb the guilt and shame of our abusers and family members who blames us for the abuse or look the other way, further compounding our feelings of dirtiness and shame..imagine a mother rushing to her child's side upon finding out and saying, "Oh fuck no, he can NOT take your sexuality from you, he is going to jail!!" YEAH, that needs to happen. Then the child would not feel so much like it's all just so bad, dirty, and shameful that no one can even acknowledge it, even if they do get righteously rageful and take action. There is still such a degree of shame surrounding sex, even normal sex! For a victim of sexual abuse, the shame is so much more pronounced.
*Find a good friend that you can talk to about sex. Ask questions. Talk about sex and have fun doing it. I have a wonderful friend who has not been abused and has always been very candid and raw with me about her sexuality. She has reminded me in the past of her own sexual issues even without being abused, as we have the whole society thing to deal with regarding sexuality. we are not the only ones as survivors who experience sexual struggles. Bless my soul sister for her honesty and love.
*Buy a book of Georgia O'Keefe paintings, her flowers are incredibly sensual and sapient and a beautiful metaphor for our bodies. Surround yourself with healthy sexual and sensual energy and imagery. Start with words, put up post its all over your house with words that evoke your inner sensuality. Be playful. Feel the shame and do it anyway.
*ART! Collage something about sex, let the images draw you in. Paint something sensual. Write poetry, write a song for yourself. Buy lovely photographs of nude women or men if you like. There are some amazing photographers out there. You are a piece of art too!
*MANTRA-YOU CAN NOT HAVE MY SEXUALITY! Write it down and in doing that, take it back. Reading books like The Joy of Sex, erotic poetry, Margot Anand's The Art of Sexual Magic, these books give us some foundation upon which to build our ideas about good, healthy sex.
*PERMISSION: And give yourself permission to separate sex and sexual abuse. Sexual Abuse is not a healthy expression of sex. Give yourself to the process of reclaiming what is a very natural and beautiful thing to be shared with another person. Love to all, Sarah
Posted by bellaboheme at 6:29 AM