Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Difficult Parents

More questions about post abuse relationships with parents, or 'non-offending' parents. Many therapists and people believe that there should be NO contact between victim/survivors and parents or family members who did not actually sexually abuse the child but who have not been through therapy specifically for the role they played in allowing their child to be molested. Whether they consciously knew or not, of course.
Nevertheless, it is hard to re-relate to a parent who continuously refuses to take full and genuine responsibility for being a shitty, unavailable, selfish parent.
BOUNDARIES. Set them. Do not follow your parent like a little puppy. Separate the inner child's wish from the truth of what you know as an adult. Acknowledge your own denial about your non-offending parent. Protect yourself, and take good care of your mental health. Just because a mother gives birth to you does not make them your mother. Being a mother to a person, to a child means being there physically and emotionally. It means protecting your young no matter the cost.
If you were not protected, as horrible as that pain is, it has to be faced. Be loyal to yourself. Don't smoke, drink, cut yourself, or do drugs, because all of that is a band-aid for the pain and suffering. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD PERSON, you are NOT THE WRONG PERSON!
You have to stop trying to fix and change them, the wish of the little one inside of you has to be guided away from that inclination by your adult self. It is a losing situation. Recognize when you are being placated.
A word about extended family of choice:
Choose your family, make your friends your family. Practice making healthy choices in your relationships. As I have said, Just because someone biologically created you does NOT give them the right to own you. Stop making excuses for their behavior! This blunts your growth, tell the truth, to yourself. You have to, you have to begin to see that people who can not love themselves could not possibly love you. You can love and care for your parent and still tell the truth about them. You are not responsible for them. Do not let the guilt that they make you feel into your heart. You are not here to pity anyone, you have to heal yourself.
This is the perfect mantra for these situations:
No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow. Alice Walker
YOU ARE YOURS, you belong to YOU, now go give yourself a hug and have some tea. I love you all!


Anonymous said...

this is so great, and true for so many of us. thank you!!

Anonymous said...

boy do i need to read this. making me think and assess my relationship with my parents.